(from last week)
This
morning in the shower is was having one of my random train of thoughts again
leading me to consider the impact of my year in Pakistan so far. I’m not sure if
that is true but I felt that I have learned more in this year than at any other
time of my life so far. When I look back it is even kind of scary to see
through how many really different struggles I went.
My
current one is a struggle of accepting and giving up.
The
end of the year is approaching way too fast and every time I consider that it
makes me wanna cry, scream, rip my calendar into pieces, stay up every night as
long as possible to spend time with the girls,
bake even more for them, turn back time, but most of all it makes me…want
to stay.
Yes,
the thought has been haunting me, and I’m pretty sure if my mother and the rest
of my family knew, it would haunt them, too (in the opposite way of course :D).
Yes,
I have been obsessed with the dream of staying on for another year during the
last weeks.
Because
this is my home. I mean at least part of it. But at this point of time, it’s as
homey as it has to get to make me feel at home. I have an awesome job here, I
have friends, I have a ordinary schedule working with extraordinary people.
Sometimes they have bad days, sometimes I have bad days. Sometimes I hate
getting out of bed, most of the times I hate getting back into bed, just so the
day wouldn’t end.
Thinking
of it, I couldn’t imagine anything that competes for a better next year (heaven
excluded in the consideration).
But
you know what the one thing about it is, that kind of turns all the previously
said things into insignificance?
This
reminder:
“We do not live to ourselves, and we do not die to ourselves. If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.” Rom.14:7
That’s
where I am right now. Having gotten it back into my head, that nothing is about
me and all about him. That no sacrifice is big in comparison to his. That no
matter how hard it is and is gonna get, it doesn’t matter because the only
thing that I really do want and sadly forget more often than I remember
it: I do not want to glorify myself and
follow my ways. It’s HIM, HIS ways, HIS glory.
And
I want to be back at a point where -even if it is the most valuable thing in my
life- I can joyfully rip off the bottle of perfume from my neck and break it
and pour it over his feet, as Mary did. Of course I’m just talking figuratively
here. I want to be able to give up my awesome life here happily at any time
without asking questions, just for the sake of the pleasure it gives me to
please him.
What
could he have for me other than my best, even when it may be accomplished
through severe pain, suffering and hardship?
I
don’t want life to be about my ego, my wishes, desires and getting my way.
Freakin’
heck I want to stay here. But what does that count.
Following
is denying the way you want to go and depend fully on the one who is leading
and guiding.
I
don’t want to be like a selfish little child in the supermarket that starts to
cry because it doesn’t get its will.
Most
of all I want to accept from his hand with gratitude whatEVER he gives and be
happy to offer him EVERYTHING he asks from me.
Man,
I wanna be more than I am. I wanna see more than what I myself can accomplish.
And
that just doesn’t work when I choose my paths. When I hold on to things, I
think are great, but that might prevent me from something else to learn,
somewhere else to be, some other challenges to run into.
And
hopefully- HOPEFULLY- I will have chosen to do what it takes to embrace these
paths and not still be fixed on some stupid idea of mine of what would be so
much better to do instead.
That’s
kind of where I’m at right now, though I’m not yet satisfied with my heart
attitude.
I
want to joyfully embrace what is
ahead.
Right
now I’m more at the stage of being convinced of its necessity.
“Uplifting”
conversations are appreciated.
Because
what greater fulfillment could there be in life than when your desires turn
into his.
Give
me to know your will and the joy of walking in it.
Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you
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