Where I am in my life (a couple of days ago)

(from last week)

This morning in the shower is was having one of my random train of thoughts again leading me to consider the impact of my year in Pakistan so far. I’m not sure if that is true but I felt that I have learned more in this year than at any other time of my life so far. When I look back it is even kind of scary to see through how many really different struggles I went.

My current one is a struggle of accepting and giving up.

The end of the year is approaching way too fast and every time I consider that it makes me wanna cry, scream, rip my calendar into pieces, stay up every night as long as possible to spend time with the girls,  bake even more for them, turn back time, but most of all it makes me…want to stay.

Yes, the thought has been haunting me, and I’m pretty sure if my mother and the rest of my family knew, it would haunt them, too (in the opposite way of course :D).

Yes, I have been obsessed with the dream of staying on for another year during the last weeks.

Because this is my home. I mean at least part of it. But at this point of time, it’s as homey as it has to get to make me feel at home. I have an awesome job here, I have friends, I have a ordinary schedule working with extraordinary people. Sometimes they have bad days, sometimes I have bad days. Sometimes I hate getting out of bed, most of the times I hate getting back into bed, just so the day wouldn’t end.

Thinking of it, I couldn’t imagine anything that competes for a better next year (heaven excluded in the consideration).

But you know what the one thing about it is, that kind of turns all the previously said things into insignificance?

This reminder:

“We do not live to ourselves, and we do not die to ourselves. If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.”  Rom.14:7

That’s where I am right now. Having gotten it back into my head, that nothing is about me and all about him. That no sacrifice is big in comparison to his. That no matter how hard it is and is gonna get, it doesn’t matter because the only thing that I really do want and sadly forget more often than I remember it:  I do not want to glorify myself and follow my ways. It’s HIM, HIS ways, HIS glory.

And I want to be back at a point where -even if it is the most valuable thing in my life- I can joyfully rip off the bottle of perfume from my neck and break it and pour it over his feet, as Mary did. Of course I’m just talking figuratively here. I want to be able to give up my awesome life here happily at any time without asking questions, just for the sake of the pleasure it gives me to please him.

What could he have for me other than my best, even when it may be accomplished through severe pain, suffering and hardship?

I don’t want life to be about my ego, my wishes, desires and getting my way.

Freakin’ heck I want to stay here. But what does that count.

Following is denying the way you want to go and depend fully on the one who is leading and guiding.

I don’t want to be like a selfish little child in the supermarket that starts to cry because it doesn’t get its will.

Most of all I want to accept from his hand with gratitude whatEVER he gives and be happy to offer him EVERYTHING he asks from me.

Man, I wanna be more than I am. I wanna see more than what I myself can accomplish.

And that just doesn’t work when I choose my paths. When I hold on to things, I think are great, but that might prevent me from something else to learn, somewhere else to be, some other challenges to run into.

And hopefully- HOPEFULLY- I will have chosen to do what it takes to embrace these paths and not still be fixed on some stupid idea of mine of what would be so much better to do instead. 

That’s kind of where I’m at right now, though I’m not yet satisfied with my heart attitude.

I want to joyfully embrace what is ahead.

Right now I’m more at the stage of being convinced of its necessity.

“Uplifting” conversations are appreciated.

Because what greater fulfillment could there be in life than when your desires turn into his.

Give me to know your will and the joy of walking in it.

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you

His dream house

Yesterday I listened to one of the German songs we often sing in my youthgroup back home. One line stood out to me (I’ll try to translate it, though I guess it doesn’t nail it down as precisely as the German wording did):

Eternity comes with you in our hearts,

A place where you like to live

And when I realized what I just had heard, it came to me, that my heart should be a place the Father, the King gladly lives in. A place he rejoices to call his home.

And so I started thinking about it as such: My heart as his dream house.

I’ve talked to my German 1 class a lot about dream houses- which rooms should be in theirs, furniture, view, …

What would his dream house look like?

I bet there should be rooms of forgiveness, gratitude, praise, trust, joy. A couch of peace, a storage room to be filled by his blessings, his gifts, his love. It should have a view, a huge roof window looking toward heaven, a window and a balcony of compassion and love towards people. I think most of all it should be carpeted with thankfulness, humility, the knowledge that all inside comes from him alone, not from what we can do. The door should be always open, better not even have a lock to close it. Most of all it doesn’t depend on what is inside, because he can easily fill that. He wants to bring and use his own furniture anyways, not ours.

His dream house should just be open to him.

I guess he likes to live in a place of imperfectness that is in desperate need of a creative interior designer. One with the knowledge of how to see and use the potential hidden inside.

Our designer can’t wait to make himself a home of splendor there; a palace, not because the outside looks so majestic, but because he fills the inside with himself.

When I think about it that way, I lose my fear that he might not like it very much to live in my heart. I rather get thankful, because it seems that after all it doesn’t take soo much to turn my heart into his dream house, a place where he delights to live .